Sex is great. Okay, I take that back. Sex with a partner who knows what they are doing is great, but, as is the case with so many things in life, most of us have a few false starts before we finally appreciate just how amazing getting down and dirty can be. We live in a world where we are exposed to more sex than ever before, however, this hasn’t helped men be any more tactful when it comes to their post-coital statements. For a lot of women, sex is a big deal, and there are certain things that they do not want to hear afterward. Here are 11 of the worst things that men have told women after sex. At least their pain can bring us a little joy now!
1. Have you been ‘snowballed’ before?!
“I’ve had a guy come on my chest, which was fine- we were using the withdrawal method- but then lick it all up and try to put it in my mouth. I put my hand over his mouth and asked, ‘What are you doing?’ He said, ‘It’s called a snowball. Haven’t you ever heard of a snowball?’ I said, ‘Err, no.’ Then he just swallowed it. The next time we had sex, he did the same thing but didn’t put it in my mouth. I asked, ‘Do you like the taste of it?’ He said, ‘Yeah, especially after I’ve eaten pineapple. It’s really sweet.’ Oy. Apart from that, he was really great in bed!
– Elly K
2. Here’s hoping this guy never got laid again
“The very first time I ever had sex, he held up the used condom and said, ‘Souvenir?’ I wasn’t in love with him and the sex was bad, so I was already feeling crummy before he said that. I didn’t say anything and just tried to pretend it never happened.”
– Marni S
3. Nobody likes a post-coital ghoster!
“I was seeing someone as a rebound after a breakup with an ex I really loved, and I actually started to fall for the new guy. He was so sweet and told me he really liked me, so when he whisked me away on a trip to a B&B one weekend, I was down. We’d been dating about a month and hadn’t had sex yet, so the afternoon we arrived, we got straight to it. We’d bonded more on the drive over and it just felt right. Imagine my surprise when, right after we were done – or he was done, rather – he looked at me and offered up the biggest effing red flag ever: ‘Did you know that after orgasms, men want to run away? That’s, like, a biological fact.’ I honestly can’t remember how I responded, but I shouldn’t have been surprised when he ghosted me about a month later.”
– Kim C
Ghosting is a very modern phenomenon, and, let’s face it, if you’ve ever explored the not-so-magical world of Tinder, you’re probably guilty of it. But it’s one thing to ignore WhatsApp messages from someone you’ve never met, it’s another to use someone for sex and then suddenly disappear. You might have other matches to be getting frisky with, but that doesn’t give you the right to hurt someone’s feelings.
Check out the video below to discover some of the worst one-liners people have said after getting it on:
4. When will men learn that women are not objects?
“After my first time with this guy I’d only known for a short while, he said, ‘Thanks. My friend Paul wants to have sex with you, too.’ At first I thought he was kidding and laughed. When I realized he really was offering me to his friend, I put my clothes on and went home! In the morning, he actually had the nerve to call and ask for a ride to the airport. I told him he could wait for me, but he would miss his flight, then I hung up. Never heard from him again, thankfully!”
— Joan M.
5. There are no words…
“He said, ‘Now that I’m done with you, you’re not gonna sh*t for weeks.’ We didn’t even have anal! I honestly don’t know what he meant. He says the craziest things. Miraculously, I’m still with him.”
– Monica W
On the subject of anal, thanks to adult movies, a lot of men have gotten it into their heads that if they pound a woman’s back passage to the point of causing her an injury, she’ll be screaming like their favorite porn star. Wrong. While it’s a great thing to explore your kinks with another person, don’t suddenly threaten to destroy their back passage unless you know they’re into it – especially if you’re going to mention sh*t.
6. This guy is definitely going to die alone
“There was this contractor who rehabbed my neighbor’s place a few years ago. For several months, we ran into each other around the building. One day, it struck me how I always walked away from the conversation with him smiling and I suddenly realized how much I liked him. I took the initiative and asked him out for coffee, then slept with him on the first date, rationalizing that we had been flirting for six months and were somewhat familiar with each other. After we were done, he said, ‘So, call me next time you want to get together like this.’ Prior to that, he’d made statements more along the lines of, ‘The first thing I thought of when I took this job was that I could see you again,’ and ‘You’re an incredible woman. No, really, you’re incredible.’ I was so excited and definitely thought, ‘Wow, we both really like one another and this is going to be the start of something!’ When he finally said that line seconds before he walked out my door, I was stunned and completely speechless. He was 40. I was 46. I couldn’t believe I was faced with what I considered to be a 20-something-year-old’s situation of non-committal guy just wanting a f-buddy.”
– Ann G
7. Honesty should always come before the deed
“In the past, I wrote for and edited sex magazines. I wound up between the sheets one afternoon with a fellow writer I’d recently met, to whom I’d disclosed the specifics of my occupation. After the deed was done, he rolled over and said, ‘I’m basically an honest fellow, so I have to tell you I won’t be back. I just wanted to see what it was like to have sex with a lady pornographer.'”
– Diana S
8. Don’t insult a woman’s appearance after you’ve had sex
“The all-time most bizarre and offensive thing a guy has ever said right after sex is, ‘You’re an attractive woman. You’ve probably got about fifteen good years left.’ What do you do with that?”
– Roslyn F
Most of us can attest to being shallow in one way or another, but if you find someone attractive enough to have sex with them and want to retain your manhood for the foreseeable future, it’s probably a good idea to keep any derogatory opinions you might have about your partner to yourself. Even if you hold onto your kn*b, the lady you’ve just insulted will more than likely expose you for the selfish lover that you are.
Disclaimer: the writer of this article is not condoning violence. Just take comfort in the knowledge that the guy in question will never be in a long-term relationship.9. Sometimes selfishness goes on outside the bedroom too…
“My best friend was in love with this guy and begged me to accompany her to his apartment one night. I went and ended up hooking up with his roommate. No sex but some below-the-belt hand action on both our parts. The next morning, we all went to Chipotle, and he and I had barely exchanged a word. He was being so awkward. Then when he went to pay for his order, he told the cashier, ‘Just mine,’ when he handed his card over. Can’t even treat me to a burrito after I gave you an orgasm? Cool.”
– Claire T
10. Unless he’s your boyfriend, this is a no-go area
“I had a friend with benefits who would sometimes make comments about my pubic hair after we had sex. He’d say things like, ‘I need a weed whacker’ or, ‘You don’t have to shave, can you just trim it?’ I always thought it was annoying, but I didn’t let myself get too worked up over it. It seemed uncool to be hurt about body issues because cool girls don’t give a f*ck.”
– Alicia J
11. How considerate of him
“I was with a guy who made absolutely no attempt to pleasure me. He just climbed on top. Came. Pulled out. Then lay next to me and said, ‘I don’t mind if you finish yourself off.’ He was one of the hottest guys I’ve ever slept with, but it was the worst sex I’ve ever had because it was like I wasn’t there.”
– Elly K
So there you have it – 11 of the worst things that men have said after sex. How does your time getting down and dirty measure up? With any luck, you’ll never have experienced anything as unpleasant as these women, but, speaking as a lady in my mid-2os, I’ve got a horrible feeling that you might have. Let’s just hope that we learn from our past mistakes and screen out guys like this before we get into bed with them!